Akylosaurus

So, my editor-friend will likely have my early reader book back to me soon.  It’s almost summer and her primary gig as a stay-at-home Mom is going to be ramping up soon.  I know I will likely have nothing to do with illustrations if I am successful in finding an agent – and publisher – for this book.  But because I am me, I am illustrating the home copy.  I am planning for black and white drawings for “in chapter” illustrations and colorful paintings as “end tags” to each chapter.  Here’s the first one I’ve finished.

ankylosaurus

Mason Jar

This one is old and appears to have been meant to be a song.  I don’t remember anything more.

————————————————————————-

Mason Jar

*

Billy was the kind of man that reason couldn’t reach

Billy was the kind that all the schools could never teach

And he spent his time asking ‘why’ but no one ever cared

a partner full of combat but no one ever dared

so he shut his mouth and shut his mind

and got into the car

one day he put his life away

into a Mason Jar

*

He sat alone with his disease

sitting at the bar

He told me sadly of his life

in its Mason Jar

*

Every night he turned out the lights

so the neighbors couldn’t see

Mostly he talked to himself

But he sometimes talked to me

*

He sat alone with his disease

sitting at the bar

He told me sadly of his life

in its Mason Jar

*

The Power of Editing

After my novella The Pied Piper of St. May was held for consideration for the I-can’t-remember-how-many-eth time, I was given some editorial direction in (yet) another really nice rejection letter.  There were two bits of advice ~ one of which I immediately knew was spot on.  The other, I had to sleep on.  After a good (?) night’s sleep, I knew the second bit of advice was spot-on too.

Here’s the advice (identifying information was removed from all quoted rejection letters):

This piece was close, and the editors enjoyed reading it.  We found issue with a few believability issues, such as burning books for warmth when there was a forest nearby and adults hearing the music but not even trying to investigate.  With a little work, we think you will find a home for this piece.

I can’t remember why, but I asked my friend Tracy to proof-read my re-write.  She was amazing, especially considering she did not get paid, is not a professional editor, and to my knowledge, has never been one.  Yet…she not only proof-read my rewrite and caught grammar and spelling errors (and all, my, extra, commas); she also caught continuity errors, pointed out places where the action did not “work”, and advised me on my description of a physical action that her twins often attempted but never pulled off.  She went over the story three times for me, and when she was done, I knew the story had gone from “good” to “quite good”.

Nevertheless, after revising the story with Tracy’s help, what I got was even nicer rejection letters, such as this one:

The reading team loved the concept of ‘The Pied Piper of St. May’ but  unfortunately we’re not going to be publishing this piece – if  anything, it was aimed a little too young for our YA brief…’The Pied Piper’ came close,  however, so we’d very much love to see more work from you.  

and this one

Unfortunately, while we liked your submission, so far we have not found a place for it … and it is against our policy to hold onto a story indefinitely…I’m going to have to very reluctantly let this one go. If it got this far, you can rest assured that your story is of high quality and you should be able to find a home for it. I look forward to hearing from you again.  

I decided to self-publish.  At that point, I was sure the story was of publishable quality.  I also knew I’d already sent the original version to the places most likely to publish the revised version.  And I figured any version of “Hey, remember my story you held for consideration and eventually rejected?  I rewrote it!  Here it is!” was bad form.  So I published it on Amazon and at B&N for Nook.

You may think the point of my story is that, even with good editing, you still won’t get your story published.  But it’s not.

I am proud of this story.  I have had other stories published, among them the flash fiction noir piece Free On the Green and the more literary And The Moon Waits.  Neither on-line or literary ‘zine pays, but that’s not the point either.

I have written stories I can be proud of, that others can enjoy, and with Tracy’s help, The Pied Piper of St. May is among my best work ~ meaning, it will give the reader enjoyment. And to me, that is always the point…

I am certain a good editor matters.  And it’s not just about grammar.  Just last night I was reading a book on the psychology of anger.  It was published by a big publishing house.  It is a fascinating book, but when I hit this text,

“…you will…react to a saber-tooth tiger differently if you encounter it in the zoo rather than in the wild”

I burst out laughing.

Look, I get the point of the text, but I am pretty sure my first reaction, regardless of whether the saber-toothed tiger is in the zoo or the wild is going to be astonishment, because that animal has been extinct for over 10,000 years.

Here are some fun facts about the Saber Toothed Cats.  Happy writing!  And careful editing!

Mainline

Just came across this. It was written in the mid-80s.

Adult langauge ahead. My apologies in advance to any offended readers; I couldn’t revise it and still express the rage this poem contained. It is not about a woman.

*

Mainline

*

She can hear

the rain sing

to the Sun Kings.

She can see

the Silence

through the haze.

She can dance

in Darkness

throwing shadows,

and reach within you,

touch your blood –

tiny dancing dizzy flood.

*

She is bouncing in your scream.

She leaves you lost

within a dream.

She takes your eyes,

leaves you blind.

And then your heart.

And then your mind.

Stumble, nodding rhythm.

Exploding time.

Is she so fucking fine?

(Is she so fine?)

*

Incomprehensible

I have no idea when I wrote this.  Could have been early 90s.  Could have been late 90s.  I can be a slow learner.

Incomprehensible

 

Some level of irrepressible

satisfaction

bouncing bouncing

never stopping

never thinking

laughing, mindless

boundless, blinking

squashing

smashing

fun fun

funfunfun

  

but the wonderful thing about him

is he’s the only one

 

Within

This is the sequel to Call It Courage.  It was written years later.  As I read it, I can see the influence of college on the content. 

It was quite a serious poem at the time, but it amuses me now.  I take myself far less seriously these days.  Yet I am also void of poetry now.  Perhaps I’ll find a cure for that soon.  I wonder if Bushmills would still work for that?  If not, at least the prose still overtakes me.

Enjoy….

Within

a poem d.b. mcneill

 

 

It’s been years since I was whole.

  He put his finger through my soul.

I am caught beneath the wheel

  never knowing what to feel.

Still walking westward with the rain,

  I seek new ways to speak my pain.

The Earth sucks muscles down my bones.

  I suspect I’ll be alone

when I die.

 

All my life and lives before

  the rich could always eat the poor.

Unable to break the silence screaming,

   unable to wake the world from dreaming,

velvet here, he waits within.

  He has crawled beneath my skin.

 

No claws or knife can dig him out.

  So greet the dawn with strangled shout.

The howling light, the colors streaming,

  all the world will still lay dreaming.

Never having strength for peace

  A man can only seek release.

I watched the orgasm of his death,

  heard music in his dying breath

and it’s been years since I was whole.

  He put his finger through my soul.

 

 

Call It Courage

I wrote this in high school or soon thereafter.  I found a story I started in college that I may be able to weave this into.  It is not my favorite poem, but I like the rythmn…and I wrote a sequel to it some years later.  I will share that next…

 

Call It Courage

a poem by db mcneill

  

This has been my only sin,

I am the killing violin.

All the nights have tumbled down.

All the flesh has turned to sand.

Beneath the sweet and trembling flesh

I’m spinning here inside your hand

and she says….

 

I am the killing violin.

I am the fire that burns within.

The child moaned.

A man has grown

here within my hand.

Walking westward in the rain

I find new ways to speak my pain.

I’m never coming home.

 

In the darkness I awoke.

A single fear,

the words we spoke.

So much more we have to share.

I am shaking, never dared

to take this moment in.

I can sense a danger.

I could not bear the loss

 if you spiraled down to die

within this violin.

 

Years ago I had a dream.

A precious hope and not so far.

In darkness, you played your guitar.

In blackness, your tears blessed my skin.

The skein of souls that tumbled in

could not have sung their hearts in vain.

You put a bullet through your brain.

 

And so, in time, the truth is clear.

Despite the fire, I live in fear.

Too many eyes have died through this.

Your light could die within my kiss.

Become entangled in my strings.

In a moment hear the scream

spinning in my hand.

 

I cannot live without the dream

or live within the truth, it seems.

I only have the strength to kill.

Something this child must not feel.

The child has grown into a man.

I hold his offer in my hand.

Still I cannot let him in.

This has been my only sin.

I am the killing violin.

 

 

Thursday

Another old one…circa 1992.  All of this is actually happened…

 

Thursday

a poem by d.b. mcneill

 

I am on your doorstep

in my dream

wondering

if you can

disappoint me in the right direction

 

Under here

     

There is still more

but wordless

  

The magician spins

diamonds from her eyes

It’s only rain

 

Thunder breaks

I awake

 

Outside

there is a man

shouting shut up

at the sky

 

....

The Boxer

I think I’ll keep the poetry flowing for a bit.   This is a favorite, circa 1996.  And yes, an itty bitty beat poet does live in my brain. 

 

The Boxer

a poem by d.b. mcneill

 

It is the difference between having and wanting.

It is the difference between water and light.

It is the difference between sleeping and waking

to scream in eternal night.

 

There is an angel who’s fallen to human.

He’s pushing his way through the crowd.

He’s come to tell you that you should be drinking.

You should be drinking and thinking aloud.

 

He has the face of a pugilist

but ah, you could drown in those eyes.

He’s come to tell you the things you believe

that were born in the light

and the things you believe that are lies.